He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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