Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
