Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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