You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
