Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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