I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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