That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
