two words...techno handjob
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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