Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
