why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
