why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
