2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
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