my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
