Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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