Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
