I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
