so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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