I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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