You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Randomize
