I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
