My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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