If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
