Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
my sisters under your porch take her home
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
