my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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