false alarm. still invincible.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
