I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
