do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
