I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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