looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
