Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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