Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
