Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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