just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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