Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
