I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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