He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize