pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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