I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
