hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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