Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
