Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
