Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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