No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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