I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
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