in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
