I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
