Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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