Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
