update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
