I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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